lately.

lately i've been questioning myself as an artist. i feel like nothing i'm doing is good enough, or at the level it should be at. i keep looking to other artists for inspiration but all i get is discouraged. that's not how it's always been. i used to get so inspired and i used to have these big aspirations as to the great things that i could someday do... but now i sit and wonder why i'm in art school. what am i doing here? what am i even going to do with my future as an artist? i think of a possible career as a graphic designer and then i wonder if i'll be able to be creative when i need to be. printmaking? i suck at drawing... photography? parents don't want to pay for this school when i have a "natural eye" that i think sucks. but then again i never practice.
maybe i should stop complaining and just do something.

and lately i've just been feeling so dumb. i walked half way to go see the black mirah film festival here on campus, and then i stopped, stood around, took a deep breath and walked back in the direction i came in. i wish i was there but i don't know that i could sit though something without being able to talk to someone about it right away [i had no one to go with]. that in and of itself is a lame excuse, but i wasn't in one of those, "i'm gonna do this solo" moods.

come to think of it, i don't know what kind of mood i am in.

i just wish i could say i was good at something.
i just wish i didn't give up so easily.